SPECIAL TORNADO EDITION
THE FIG PAPER@^77
©1985 PIG PRODUCTIONS ,70 Cotton Drive, Mississauga, Ontario, Canada L5G 1 Z9 j
ON THE TRAIL OF
The Mungawaniees (Hormabuttius,
Trans Lictum, Ural, Homo) were a
strange and ancient tribe of
Prairie Indians who existed long
ago in what is today called
Oklahoma. Historians- and scholars
look with a cheap sort of disgust
upon the Mungawaniees and a dis-
gusted and impatient look comes
across their faces whenever the
name is mentioned.
The main pillar of the ancient
Mungawaniee "religion" was a
mixture of sexual perversion and
tornado worship, which is the
primary reason that educated and
respectable men look with loathing
upon this dirty, barbaric people.
This religion of theirs also
resulted in their extinction,
weakening their gene pools and
turning them into aimless nomads
later massacred by healtheir
tribes. The POungawaniees didn T t
fish, hunt or farm, spending most
of their time engaged in rites of
tornado communication and sacrifice,
waiting to be sucked up into heaven
by tornados that never came.
Their practice was to select
the most beautiful virgin from
among the tribe and sacrifice her
to a tornado, placing her on a
large phallic-shaped throne con-
structed out of mud and rocks to
await the tornado. The Mungawaniees
viewed tornados as holy, and anyone
who died in a tornado, they believed
would experience multiple orgasms
and go straight to heaven. While the
virgin was thus seated, the rest of
them danced, chanted, engaged in
lYou TUX) SmfalSzE
uoU*r Do too
/TIMES 1 00NT
unnatural sexual acts and cut
themselves with sharp objects.
In order not to "corrupt" or
"offend" the virgin, they wore
animal heads while engaging in
the sexual acts.
If a tornado did come along,
as perhaps once or twice it did,
it would invariably wipe out the
whole tribe. This was viewed as a
blessing by the survivors, since
obviously they had been guilty of
some divine transgression and
this was just punishment. But
more than likely they would
simply starve or die of thirst or
bleed to death waiting for a
tornado, or another tribe would
come across them and take great
delight in slaughtering them.
They hated the Mungawaniees. Yet
the skulls of the tornado-
worshippers were so thick that
their enemies' stone axes often
broke over them.
While museums throughout the
country display tons of old clay
vases, plates, jugs and stone
arrowheads of other historical
tribes, the curators are loathe
to set out the small, worthless
and usually obscene clay mouldings
of the Mungawaniees. The walls of
the caves in which they once
dwelt are lined with chaotic
figures of hard-ons, tornados and
deer and bison. Archeologists
have been known to dynamite
these caves upon finding them.
Other reasons the
Mungawaniees remain obscure in
the pages of history are: (1)
they were wiped out by other
tribes long before the advance of
white settlers, and (2) they had
no written language, and even
their verbal language consisted
of nothing but a series of grunts
groans and obscene gestures. How
they survived as long as they did
is a puzzle to experts. They
slept in caves and holes dug in
the ground, and even in trees,
and they barely managed to feed
and clothe themselves by killing
the odd wild animal - usually
sick or wounded - they stumbled
upon, and by stealing the stores
of other tribes.
While other tribes such as
the Aztecs and Incas established
great civilizations, the
Mungawaniees believed their
great civilization would be
built in the sky after they had
all been killed by tornados.
The foremost authority on the
Mungawaniees is Professor Leopold
Winter, who lives in a YMCA in New
York City and subsists on Social
Security checks. The study of the
Mungawaniees has become an
obsession with the elderly pro-
fessor, who started out in Real
452E Queen Street West
- USED - RARE -
- FIRST EDITIONS -
- COLLECTORS ITEMS -
- INDEPENDENT PRESS -
x D<WT tEUSH
THE i0EA t Of iC
K l S3Sc5iCKEG
TO T/C Hl/£,„
ooujn to -me
DRUNK ^ 60
50AC NToufc HW>'
\H fV 80TTi£
LIVING WITH AN
You PMS WO0T-
fy~TT21i store could it?
tfSmSmZS S: It's soiewhere in LA, and you won't find it.
r C+&+&* People walk in, buy the Dream Syndicate record
*t£ZX&* and tbe ^ donft ^^ it?s 1XB coz you canft see my
- *Z!*-&*~P k M: K° w do ^ ] * ncM y^ 1 re y 00 then? „
rX^^S- S: I work at Vinyl Fetish, my real name is Joesph;
iSj*^*^* 1 ^ Joseph Peck saved my life,
^&-^"dsJS: Is this gonna be a direct transcription?
f^^T^M: ^ nQt at 3ii ##0 no > un> uh,
•S-S^-SS: fell that's no fun,
r XZ*AsM: I mean like we'll take out things like, uh,
;S-*pT*2um, well NOT like what I'm saying ri§
execpt for like the "uh"s and, uh, the
G: Those we put more in.
S: And when we repeat, repeat our selves
actually, or sense make none, lin, like it adds
S: We walked to the store, we walked to the
store, we walked to the store, we walked to the
store, we walked to the store....
M: [Assuring the narrative:] "The phone rang.
Some one else answered. Steve paced. Wow, a this
is a Za Zen interview... gee, Zen records".
S: My favorite record store.
Say you had a half page in TIME magazine. What
would you do with it?
Probably draw a color picture, then cover it
in black, and scrape the black away.
How 'bout long bowing? [lawn bowling? -Ed.]
What do you think of long bowing?
I don' t want to talk about it.
_ No, really. How 'bout guns? Do you like things
that shoot things and all that?
M: I don't want to drag you down, but I think
rns are funn.
"MR. BIG STUFF"/
"YOU THINK YOU'RE
HOT STUFF" (Stax-
Stx 1014) 3/73
This, along with
works of Big Star
was the last gasp
She sounds so
guitar and horn
parts mesh to-
gether to make
this a fond mem-
ory of my first
'mixed party' back
in the 7th grade.
THE ROLLING STONES
"I WANNA BE YOUR
AWAY" (London L9657)
Is this a marriage
in heaven or what?
The Stones cower
of a Beatles tune,
and it shreds the
original (even Jagger
can outsing Ringo
when necessary). Keef
does a brilliant 20-
second guitar solo that
sounds like nails on a
chalkboard. All of this
and yet this track has
never surfaced on a
North American lp. I'm
not sure you can get
the single anymore.*.
PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS
"Him OR ME (WHAT'S IT
GONNA BE?)/ f> HUNGRY"
As our editor once put
it, "H or TO, their
This track never ap-
peared on the original
greatest hits compila-
tion (circa '67) and
the double-lp anthology
has long since been de-
leted. The people at
Underground took pity on
us mortals and released
it as a single. Ue are
it f s like this... Guns are OK.
S: Our band's very involved in the liberal cause
WHAT!?? Did he really say that? No. I didn ! t.
M: What do you think of nuclear veste?
S: Karl is a major liberal. I saw Karl; he was
marching at the Palladium, so Karl's a liberal.
M: I remember seeing you guys at an anti-nuclear
S: Yes. It's true. But we were mislead. We
thought it ttas to build a new MX missle plant. Vk
were premised $20(US) and Jane Fonda.
M: What DID they deliver?
S: Tom Hayden.
M: Don Heading?
S: No, actually, Pat Hayden. Which is worse
you know who Pat Hayden is? I got lost.
M: No, but I'm sure Gary does. "He knows
G: No I don't... Ch, yes I do. The sister or
mother of Jane's hubby who went on to become
S: [sudden realization and total awe] Are YOU
S: [swooning] Oh Man...
G: I don't tell anyone though, coz they never
S: God. I know Gary Pig's REAL name!
M: No you don't.
— tape noise, scratch click ■ —
M: QC, we're running out of tape. Quick. What 1
I your favorite chord?
Uf S: THAT'S a good one; it's- [tape ends;
k li quickly flip tape, but alas, Too Late...]
G: On behalf of Dream Syndicate, how about
something Warm & Relevant to wynn over our
J« S: I wish everyone of you could live in my living
* room with me and share my carrots. I love you
T»g,M: How swset. You eat vegetables.
* S: I wrote "Some Kind Of Itch" for all of you. I
| love you.
*M: Ahnhhhh. We're in tears, [sniff] Touching;
I that was touching.
| G: A little heart at the ending.